Who is holding you?

As far as birthdays go, this has been a weird one. Luke had the stomach flu last week and lovingly (ha!) shared his germs with his mama. It’s been a few days but I still don’t have my energy back. I was texting my lifelong friend, Diana, telling her that if I didn’t know Jesus loved me I would think I was cursed. These past 2 months have been rough ones.

I had to cancel a couple birthday meet ups with wonderful friends; my dear friend Meg being one. I did manage to get to Dimples Donuts with my hubby, Mike,, who took the day off to be home with me, my uncle, Lorin, and my awesome friend, Amy. The other thing I kept on the calendar was a birthday massage and adjustment at Hart Chiropractic. Mike and Brandon gave me presents (Luke was at camp for a few hours) and that was nice. Besides that Mike and I started watching “Silver Linings Playbook” but I fell asleep.

Right now I am supposed to be working on homework for a Joni and Friend’s class, which is fantastic by the way, but I want to get this down on computer first.

Historically, my birthday has been a tough day for Mike.

And that is because of me.

I know I’ve been really tough on him, expecting way too much, so this year I’ve tried to just appreciate all the kind things he does. Although it hasn’t gone perfectly, it’s been a smoother day.

Mike does a lot—everyday—to show he cares and loves me. But I have, ever since I was little, had a huge fear of abandonment for reasons I won’t go into right now. Unfortunately, the main person that takes the brunt of this is Mike. Funny thing is, for some strange reason, I’ve always had lots of friends and still have some from grade school, junior high (what we called it back in the day), high school and college. You know who you are:)

God has brought healing through His word, through counseling, through family and friends. Knowing I have a Father in heaven who loves and created me makes all the difference. For me though, it is a lifelong process of moving that head knowledge to my heart. I experience it in my heart as God works in so many ways but then I forget again. Anyone else have that problem?

Today, during my birthday massage, Heidi, who I’d only had once before  at Dr. Hart’s  office, was working on my upper arms/shoulder blade area. They have been painful since the whole laying- on- my- side- for-13-days-thing. I kept doing the work for her instead of letting her move my arms or neck. We found out we were both Thanksgiving babies and I told her I was supposed to be born on January 25th, not November 25th. This lead to me thinking about how my mom and grandma had told me when I was in the hospital they weren’t allowed to hold me. Back in 1968, the fear of germs kept premies from being held. Now we know that babies NEED to be held. Heidi had put a long foam thing underneath my spine and was holding my head in her hands to stretch my neck, and right then I had a sense that the Lord was saying to me, “I am holding you.”

I AM HOLDING YOU. Tears sprang to my eyes as I knew in my heart that, just as He is the one who holds me now, He was holding me when I was in the incubator for 6ish weeks.

HE WAS AND IS HOLDING ME THROUGH IT ALL. I had to write this down to remember—to remind myself of what He said, of what the Lord Jesus says.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:13-14


About morethanwords1

I'm a mom of two very different boys. One has no probelm talking, loves and is gifted at reading and writing and the other has a bright smile, amazing laugh but can barely talk.
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